Ten Best Real Fight Songs

You know how Rolling Stone and Spin and other publications unworthy of being birdcage-liner like to do those Top Ten Fighting Song lists? Well, they’re all a bunch of lame bullshit. Sonic garbage plonked out by Limp Bizkit and stuff like  “We Will Rock You” might rile up a bunch of drunken idiots in a stadium somewhere, but we wanted to know the best songs for breaking bones and faces. So we made our own. Think of our selections as a playlist to put on when you feel the need to go completely aggro and take care of a few enemies—in other words, the ten best real fight songs.

“Seek & Destroy” – Metallica

Before Metallica went all alternadad and stared making shitty music they were experts at inciting their audiences into violent spasms. This little number off Kill ’Em All might still be the most tantalizing of their repertoire. That’s why it’s been played at almost every single show since it was written. During the early 90s it was routinely extended to almost 20 minutes of headbanging carnage.

“(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)”– Beastie Boys

Unfettered debauchery is perhaps the only thing truly worth fighting for, and we’re not sure a finer ode could be written. It might be a cliché by this point, but the party really isn’t a rager if this doesn’t come on by four in the morning. If some loudmouth disagrees or tells you to turn it off, just grab him by either side of the head and introduce his face to your knee. Then party on like nothing ever happened.

“Ride of the Valkyries” – Richard Wagner

Never mind that this is the only instrumental (and classical, for that matter) selection on this list. Can you think of a better soundtrack for a war zone? Maybe it’s just that Lt. Colonel Kilgore used it for the beach attack scene in Apocalypse Now, but every time we hear it someone has to talk us out of enlisting. It wouldn’t be a surprise if two out of three soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq have this perpetually pumping through their headphones. It makes you want to harm people.

“Nervous Breakdown” – Black Flag

If you’re mentally disturbed and/or homicidal, hardcore already has a special place in your scorched little heart. The video above pairs the track to some classic freak-out scenes from the movie Falling Down. It’s a perfect visual representation of what the song’s all about.

“Eye of the Tiger” – Survivor

OK, this one might go against our little introductory rant because it’s included on a lot of those lame top-ten lists. But you know what? We can’t deny its ability to inspire the wherewithal and stamina necessary to give the worst of your enemies a bad case of the ol’ black-and-blues. It’s predatory nature makes it perfect when you’re planning to give someone a premeditated beat-down—just crank this to 11, tape a picture of their face to the punching bag, and imagine how lumpy it’s going to be after you’re through.

“Drink, Fight, and F@#K” – GG Allin

GG was quite possibly the antichrist (his birth name, no joke, was actually Jesus Christ Allin), and this was the anthem of his existence. We encourage you to go waste a few hours on YouTube if you’re unfamiliar with Mr. Allin and his inclination to berate, defecate on, and assault audience members. If it doesn’t make you want to put a boot up someone’s ass you’re either lobotomized or the second coming of Gandhi.

“Bottled Violence” – Minor Threat

This little ditty is like one of those 30-second fights you drunkenly get into until your friends break it up or you get punched in the stomach and puke all over your shoes. That’s kind of a paradox being that it was written by the world’s premier straight-edge band, but it’s the truth.

“Panic” – The Smiths

You might be puzzled by this choice, but just think about the lyrics for a minute. It’s about flipping out on various streets in England and ends with the refrain “hang the DJ” being repeated approximately 31 times. Next, think about who wrote it: a celibate, vegan man who idolizes James Dean and wore a fake hearing aid onstage for a good chunk of his career. It’s the sonic manifestation of repressed, seething hate bubbling over into fantasies of wanton violence—in other words, a perfect fight song for underdogs.

“Take the Power Back” – Rage Against the Machine

Not many bands come close to inciting a riot every time they hit the stage. In fact, the police physically barred them from playing in St. Paul, Minnesota during the 2008 Republication National Convention because they were afraid of what might happen. “Take the Power Back” is all about physically and philosophically rebelling against the government. We can’t really think of a more important battle.

“Hell in Paradise”– Yoko Ono

Just about every song she has ever written taps directly into some Neanderthal portion of your brain that makes you want to smash windows and faces. This one, however, pushes aural brutality to a whole new level. She and Lennon went through years of “primal therapy,” and our theory is that they adapted the theories to music and figured out the precise frequencies to blow people’s fuses. Listen with extreme caution and make sure no one else is in the room.

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